I’m in my 50s and I’m interested in learning more about ADHD. So I spend a long, long time reading around the subject and then I listen to the excellent Neurodivergent Woman podcast and I come across this tidbit:
‘If you have been diagnosed with ADHD there’s a 50-70% that one of your parents is too.’
“Parenting neurodivergent kids” – The Neurodivergent Women podcast
And suddenly, for reasons, I’m like, “Ok!” Maybe I need to start looking at myself?
So I start thinking about it a little bit.
Maybe this explains why I can’t hold a job down for more than a year or two? Maybe this is why I feel uncomfortable working without clear directions, why I’m bad at longer-term planning? Could it be this explains why I never finish any of the DIY jobs around the house? Basically does this explain everything about me?
In other words, ADHD is the hammer, and everything about my personality is a nail.
Further Down the Rabbit Hole
And so, after perhaps pretty much instantly self-diagnosing, I fall into a few rabbit holes.
I find quotes floating around that make me think that perhaps my entire life up to his point might have been ‘a wasted opportunity’ or was ‘easily explainable’ through a diagnosis and treatment. I reach out to people who have been diagnosed and talk to them about what it means to them.
It’s certainly not clear from those conversations what a diagnosis might mean for me. For some people, a diagnosis is a freeing experience that lets them get on with things; for others, it means simply a life constrained by ability or regrets about the past.
But that’s also life, right? I’m old enough to know that none of us work without constraints. Many of us feel like we might change things if we could go back in time. Decisions, actions, causality and luck. These are the measures of a life.
So then I get slightly confused and I think, well hang on, I’ve still had a pretty good career. Yes I’m not running the world but I’ve done some pretty cool stuff. Am I really defined by some neurodivergence which is limiting my ability to excel or be neurotypical? And what’s so great about neurotypicality?
Basically, it makes sense to understand better any potential limitations I might have and also understand how I have worked around them until now, and where I’ve struggled. If I see myself struggling more generally in one area or other, perhaps I might need some further help.
In other words – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it – but also dive more into where I might need some help.
Evidence
So I decided to have look around at the actual evidence. I’ve have a lot of jobs in my career. I’ve had upwards of 25 roles in global companies – most of them as contracts.
I’ve worked in software and IT for global enterprises pretty much full-time since 1995, yet I’ve not held a single job for more than five years. In fact, five years is a marked outlier. Between jobs, I’ve been a full-time open-source developer. I’ve been an entrepreneur multiple times. I’ve spent time recording music. I’ve also written professionally and now I’m even trying to become an author.
Contracting always suited my attention span, yet I’m still always looking for the next challenge – the next buzz.
Then I look about my house at all of the unfinished jobs. I look at my usual way of organisation. It’s slightly chaotic.
Then I realise I’m terrible at working outside of the box. I’ve been an entrepreneur but I have flapped at it. Therefore it depends on the box I’m working in. I enjoy the freedom that working inside the box gives me to craft creative solutions, but I also thrive on challenging the conceptual box: the WHY we are doing stuff. This makes me a great sparring partner for visionaries and I’m a creative thinker for everyday problems.
Identity
But sometimes, I lack the focus and interest to continue doing the day-to-day work. I scramble to find the WHY until it becomes a question of values.
I need to have clearer expectations. I develop creative solutions within parameters but the parameters for success need to be defined.
I think these just fall outside of the realm of “you are this or that” and rather just “this is who you are”.
There is a strong temptation to think that you can’t help being the way you are, and if you had only discovered this about yourself earlier, things might have been different or better for you.
Most adults don’t walk into a doctor’s office thinking they have ADHD. Many show symptoms of anxiety or depression arising from impairments due to their undiagnosed ADHD.
Navigating an ADHD Diagnosis in Your 50s or 60s
Procrastination
When I was a manager charged with delivering the monthly financial reports I would put it off for as long as possible. It felt like the hardest thing I ever had to do. It was, in my reality, the hardest thing that I could do because it was so boring.
I heard this feeling described as just being so bored that you “want to die” by some ADHDers. Every ounce of your being doesn’t want to be there. Doing the most boring, uninteresting thing you have to do just leaves you feeling terrible.
By the way, ADHD can also make you feel things a bit more keenly than others…
Social Interactions are Complicated
Why do I overreact to annoying feedback on a Pull Request? Why do I freeze in fear before I have to give a presentation despite knowing my subject inside and out? Do I actually crave attention or do I want to be left alone?
Perhaps some of this is because I have ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? Sometimes, I’m highly sensitive to criticism, but mainly only if I’m unprepared.
But then, perhaps I’m just having a bad day? Or perhaps:
“Sometimes the working memory impairments of ADHD allow a momentary emotion to become too strong”
- I find long, social interactions about subjects that don’t interest me difficult to sit through. I prefer not to “chit chat” beyond a minute or two.
- I am most certainly a visual learner. If I can visualise something, I understand it. When I start a job my first question is – where are the diagrams? There usually aren’t any and I have to draw them.
- I often (when I feel emotionally charged) completely fail to locate any memory of what I’m trying to say. Ideas, concepts, even words escape me through emotional overload.
Am I Being Unreasonable?
And then there’s this excellent article, Exaggerated Motions: How and Why ADHD Triggers Intense Feelings.
And this excellent post from someone who is no longer on Twitter:
ADHD is a Self Regulation Disorder, an Executive Function Deficit Disorder. It is not about “attention deficits”. We have too much going on in our brains to pay attention to what is IMPORTANT.
Managing Energy: Introversion vs Extroversion
I also find myself having a lot of conversations with people about how they handle their energy during a day of meeting and talking to people. Do you get energy from social interactions or does it cost you energy?
Let’s face it, no-one gets energy from expending energy. Everything takes energy. So this doesn’t even stand up from an entropy point of view. We are not gravitationally sling-shotting ourselves around the meeting or conference picking up energy until we reach escape velocity.
Enough
Ok.
It’s time to stop and take a breath.
Sometimes the more you read, the more you research, the less helpful the list of potential things that you are or you have is. So after a while, I found it helpful to write down a list of things that I will and won’t do. Things that make me happy and things that I would rather not do.
Welcome To Me
I am convinced that I am introverted, but I’m also happy to be pulled along to an extrovert’s party occasionally. I will view it critically rather than self-medicate, as I did too much in my 20s and 30s. I will talk to people. I will go home when I’ve had enough.
Also I will:
- Occasionally allow emotions to rule me. I can’t help it. I acknowledge that I will occasionally feel overwhelmed and that’s ok.
- Try to limit my extreme sensitivity to (imagined) disapproval by telling myself not to overreact.
- I will attempt to overcome social anxiety and introversion by forcing myself to do things that occasionally make me feel uncomfortable.
- I will keep aware of my mood throughout the day. I will keep a journal of my thoughts and moods.
So Can You Have a Successful Career with <<Insert Thing Here>>?
What is the right challenge? What is the right workplace? What is the right ‘culture’?
Now more than ever, I know that this means the ‘right people’ to work with. I fully believe that the closer you come to your (overused phrase alert) “authentic self” the closer you become to finding the people you truly want to work with.
Therefore, to keep on getting to the starting line in one piece, there are a few things you can do to help yourself.
- Start to get to know yourself through self-reflection and self-discovery. What feels right to you in your work and relationships?
- Do some reading around subjects that might help you find out who you are and what your brain is like. Both fiction and non-fiction are great for this.
- Work out what you like and what you don’t like in your life, in your job, in your relationships with others.
- Start to see yourself as others might see you.
- Start to see yourself with others, not as an imposter, but as an ally and collaborator.
- Start to work to your strengths. Notice how I’ve not mentioned ADHD hyperfocus yet?
What to do Next?
Education is important. Reading is useful.
Listening is also wonderful. While I’ve tried to convey a taste of the neurodivergent maze of self-discovery, you’ll definitely read some confusing and potentially conflicting ideas and advice. However I believe it’s worth learning as much as you can about yourself along the way.
Challenging to support yourself with a sympathetic attitude and perhaps include some things to help you. For example these are some things that work for me:
- The Right Tools. As an author, Scrivener works the way my brain works; when I’m coding or doing admin, perhaps I need to use a Pomodoro Timer. Stickies and agile working are great for remembering where I’m at.
- An Accountability Mechanism. I use the London Writer’s Salon for writing, I also use my team and stand-ups for accountability.
- Atomic Habits is for me a great way to learn how to break down large tasks into smaller ones.
- A Finishing Line. In addition to small steps, sometimes you need a big target to aim towards. I often use my skills creatively to tackle larger tasks, such as recording an album, writing a book, building a room, or creating software.
These are just my thoughts and self-discoveries and don’t replace the advice of a professional. If you think you might have ADHD, then my advice would be to seek professional help, starting with your doctor. At this stage, I’m still deciding whether or not to pursue a professional diagnosis.
I wish you good luck on your neurodiversity and neurodivergence journey. Taking your time to learn more about it will, I believe, ultimately, help and amaze you.
Photo by Marcelo Leal on Unsplash