Many corporations have a set of values that they espouse as part of their corporate vision for how employees are treated and should treat each other. A core value we often hear is showing respect to others in how we talk, behave, and support them.
Respect itself comes in various forms. While it certainly has a lot to do with inclusivity (as in Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) it’s also how we approach that inclusivity and the language we use.
However, finding a common language is hard. If you work in a team with multiple cultures, multiple time zones, different backgrounds, ages, and ethnicities, settling on a common team language might be impossible. Additionally, people have different language skills regardless of their background.
Any team will struggle to hit the right tone immediately in terms of acceptable shared language. Therefore, defining a shared concept of what ‘respectful’ looks like might take some time.
Baseline Respect
We can start by looking at the concepts which define respect in our work. These naturally tend to come from the content of our work. Therefore, we can start by being respectful to each other by using some very simple rules.
- Use “Please and Thank You”.
- Be mindful of people’s time (don’t assume that people are available or want to attend your meeting, set an agenda, be punctual, don’t overrun).
- Provide feedback on the content of the work rather than the way it is delivered.
- Provide feedback which is constructive and respectful (don’t belittle the work or make a joke about the work).
- Show patience and understanding in learning.
- Provide support to those who need it or those who are being intimidated or bullied by others.
Often, this final support element is the most elusive but also the most powerful.
While we might know that we should talk respectfully to each other, we often don’t intervene if we hear disrespectful talk around us. This is made harder if we are unsure about what is deemed respectful and disrespectful in certain communities and from certain backgrounds.
Being the Outlier in a Monoculture
I’ve been a young engineer bullied by older ones for seemingly “not knowing what I’m doing”. I’ve also been “bullied” by younger engineers who think that I’m too old to be useful or “bullied” by groups who want me to fit in with their way of thinking.
Sometimes these attacks aren’t seen as attacks by the perpetrators. They are seen as candid feedback and something that will make me a better engineer.
But often these attacks aren’t about age, ability or background at all. They are about conformance. Sometimes they are driven by anxiousness or fear. Very occasionally they are driven by ignorance or hate.
But what is respectful in a monoculture? How far should we as individuals go with this? And how much should we conform to norms and still stay respectful?
You Decide on Team Composition
It’s hard when you can’t conform. But sometimes it’s not a simple choice we can make. Sometimes even as someone who was an outlier, it’s easier to become the bully and not call out the behaviour which makes us feel uncomfortable. But the danger signs can be all around us. Have a look at your team composition. Are you representative of society as a whole? Or are you a club which is excluding others intentionally or unintentionally?
For example is your team:
- Similar ages and ethnicities.
- Work hard, and play hard together.
- Socialise and perhaps even holiday together.
- Have an “us against the world” feeling when confronted with adversity.
What type of team do you want to be in? What conversation do you want to have with your co-workers everyday?
Start with Respect for Yourself
If you’re uncomfortable and feel disrespected in the environment that you are in, then you might need to do something about it.
But before you do anything, the first step is to look inward and take responsibility for the person that you are. Have you behaved respectfully towards others? Can you respect yourself for your behaviour?
Secondly look outwards at the others in the team. In the context that you work, is the communication between you and others always respectful? Is there anything that stands out?
If at this point you still feel uncomfortable, then perhaps something needs to change. The next step is a conversation with your manager. Do it respectfully, but make your voice heard.
As the Dalai Lama and The Staple Singers say: “Respect yourself”
“Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions”
The Dalai Lama
The journey towards respect for others and respect for yourself is challenging. Sometimes, it feels easier to blame someone else for their shortcomings than truly address the issues at hand. Being an engineer means working in complex, sometimes chaotic and stressful environments. Therefore, take responsibility as a team member but also as a leader, to be respectful and to call out behaviours which cause hurt and pain within the team.
Want to learn more about how this can look like for you and your teams? Get in touch for a free consultation.